


beep beep motherfucker

by moonfairie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, JUST GUYS BEIN DUDES, attempt at humor im so sorry, daishou and kuroo never stop bitching, daishou beefs w EVERYONE, death jokes SORRY, futakuchi is a lil SHIT, group chat bc i love them, kuroo is their token kpop stan, lots of swearing, mentions and cameos of other characters - Freeform, pretty much plotless, so is teru, theyre all lil shits at some point, theyre all pretty gay i think but we shall see, with the exception of daichi and kita abt to lose their minds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 07:42:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20944781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonfairie/pseuds/moonfairie
Summary: the captains' groupchat!probably not regularly updated because school and because this was mainly for fun (and me procrastinating but EH) lolenjoy !!





	beep beep motherfucker

**Author's Note:**

> i apologize in advance . 
> 
> also i'm pretty sure the usernames are self-explanatory but here's a key anyway because they might change later :> i'll include a key for every chapter just to make sure 
> 
> area 51 raid = oikawa  
hello my baby hello my honey = bokuto (thank u shy) (this will make sense later if u don't get the ref already)  
hewwo kitty = kuroo  
kaminari but metal = terushima  
stan mamamoo = ushiwaka  
thunder thighs 2000 = daichi  
snake in mah boot = daishou  
futacoochie = futakuchi (im so proud of this user ok)  
kazoo kid = kita (credits 2 shy for this one)

**beep beep motherfucker** **[1:04 am]**

**hewwo kitty:**

who did it .

who the Fuck took my pudding 

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

ITWASNT ME

**area 51 raid:**

not me i hate that shit

**hewwo kitty:**

it was u wasnt it

**area 51 raid:**

tetsu sweetie reading comprehension costs zero (0) yen

**hewwo kitty: **

okay WOW fuck yuo

WHO THE FUCJ TOOK MY PUDDING HTEN

I EVEN WROTE "DONT TOUCH OR U DIE" ON THE TOP

**snake in mah boot:**

oh that was urs 

couldn't tell w ur messy ass handwriting

**hewwo kitty:**

U FUCKFING . BASTARD BITCHASS I SHOUOULDVE KNWON

BITCH FUCK YUO THAT WAS YM LAST ONE

**snake in mah boot:**

that pudding was nasty as shit anyways man .

itwasnt worth stealing

**hewwo kitty:**

i will murder u in cold. blond

blood

fuck .

**area 51 raid:**

cold blond

**hewwo kitty:**

shut theFUCK up oikawa "i have 24 separatw slideshows of theories on aliens" tooru

**area 51 raid:**

bitch try again everyone already Knows

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

can u guys leave ur bitching for a Reasonable time of day its lierally 1am

**snake in mah boot:**

and here we see a rare phenomenon: the furry using logical reasoning

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

nvm daishou can u come over to my place i jsut wanna .talk :)

bitcnMT,L.,,,;T,L;LL;O0990909; /

This is Akaashi. I had to knock Bokuto-san out with a frying pan to immobilize him and prevent a possible homicide.

Daishou-san, I suggest you hide. He'll be up again in a few and I'm fairly sure he knows where you live.

**area 51 raid:**

rapunzel much

TANGLED I MEANT FROM TANGLED

like.the fryign pan thing

ok

wow

i am unappreciated in this house

**snake in mah boot:**

i alwasys wanted to die young anyway

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

Mood

**hewwo kitty:**

omg akaashi

babe

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

No.

**area 51 raid:**

SMACKDOWN

**hewwo kitty:**

SHUT UTHE FUCK UP

**hello my baby hello my honey: **

iWHEN THE FUCK DID AAKASHI GET INTO MY HOSUE WHAT THE :FUCK

DAISHOU . SLEEP W ONE EYE OPEN BITCH

**area 51 raid:**

daichi's gonna kill u all 

**snake in mah boot:**

what makes u special huh?

ur up and active here too 

u think u wont be killed ? bitch?

**area 51 raid:**

all i did was spectate wtf u bitch

wait did kuroo die

**snake in mah boot:**

it's been like 5 minutes since he last texted

dramatic much

**hewwo** **kitty**:

i wish i died so i wouldnt have to read ur bullshit

**snake in mah boot:**

ok edgelord do u need some black eyeshadow with tht

**hewwo kitty:**

ill have u know i look hot as FUCK in black eyeshadow 

unlike u

**snake in mah boot:**

where'd u hear that

**area 51 raid:**

ladies ladies please

**hello my baby hello my honey: **

i might actually side w daichi and kill u guys

CAN WE FUCKINF SLEEP NWO

**hewwo kitty:**

yea fuck u guys i only love kou 

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

aw bro :<

i love u more bro

**hewwo kitty:**

broooo :((

**area 51 raid:**

NO NOT THIS AGAIN

GO TO SLEEP

it's 2:12 am wtf were we talking that long???

**thunder thighs 2000:**

Yes.

You were.

Sleep.

Now.

Who the hell set this as my user.

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

they were right thoooo

**hewwo kitty:**

rt

**thunder thighs 2000:**

Bokuto. Kuroo.

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

oKA SORRY GOONDIHFT SLEPEIGN NOW BYE

**hewwo kitty:**

coward

DAICHI STOP THAT IM OGING IM SORRYR

9043URWERIOKEGL,.GLTPKOL,

gn

**area 51 raid:**

waht did daichi do

**thunder thighs 2000:**

:)

Goodnight, Oikawa, Daishou.

**area 51 raid:**

and iwa-chan asks why im scared of daichi 

goodnight to daichi only

**snake in mah boot:**

gn to everyone 'cept *****

❀❀❀

**beep beep motherfucker [8:49 am]**

**kaminari but metal:**

snepaus i love u guys 

a lot

but WHY do i have 50+ messages BEFORE 8AM

wtf wer e yall DOING

and how come i wasnt invited >:(

* senpais

**area 51 raid:**

snepaus

**kaminari but metal:**

STOP ITS EARLY ICANT READ

OR TYPE

**hewwo kitty:**

oh so teru IS alive

wtf man i was being ATTACKED where tf were u

**kaminari but metal:**

studying for the english exam today

**hewwo** **kitty**:

.

haha what

ur so funny teru ahaha

ahahahA

HAHAHAAHA AAHA AHA A

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

me

**hewwo kitty:**

WHY DID NO ON E TELL ME ABT THIS EXAM WHAT THE FCUK

**kaminari but metal:**

sensei literally said it like 4 times in class and again before we left on friday

and she sent us two (2) emails

**hewwo kitty:**

THATWAS .A RHETORICAL QUESTION SHUT THE FUCJ UP YUUJI

english is my worst subject FUCK english that shits ANNOYING

any1 wanna . take my exam for me next period

ill pay u 

in love and affection

and like 40 yen

ill venmo someone 40 yen 

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

40 yen

for takinf a whole mf exam

bro .

**hewwo kitty:**

listen im broke i just. spent all my money on a game

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

I THOUGJT U VOWED NEVER TO SPEND MONEY ON A GAME AFTER CANDY CRUSH?????

WHICJ GAME BRO

**area 51 raid:**

it was love nikki

**hewwo kitty:**

LITERALLT CAN U FUCK OFF TOORU

THE OUTFITS ARE SO PRETTY I WANT TO COLLECT EVERYTHINF

my parents r gonna murder me whne they see how mucj i spent

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

i cant believe u spent 21000 yen on a fuckng DRESS UP GAME

**hewwo kitty:**

BITCH?????>? DONT SAY IT LIKE THAT?????

**kaminari but metal:**

hey senpai uhhhh senseis gonna fail u if u dont show up like.NOW

**hewwo kitty:**

GOING DOWN STREAKS

**snake in mah boot:**

bitch bye

❀❀❀

**beep beep motherfucker [12:09 pm]**

**thunder thighs 2000:**

Kuroo, for someone who's at the top of our grade, you're an absolute dumbass

It's kind of impressive

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

i think he died

**snake in mah boot:**

and i oop

**area 51 raid:**

daishou

i will take the bus all the way to nohebi just to punt u into the fucking sun

if u say one more fucking word .

**snake in mah boot:**

sksksksk

i dropped my hydroflask !!

omg save the turtles u monsters !!

wait let me show u guys my ivory ella t shirt

OMG MY SCRUNCHIES I NEED MORE !!

here's my vsco babes !!

**area** **51** **raid**:

i understand now why tetsu hates u so much .

eat shit and DIE 

**snake in mah boot:**

no way in HELL im dying before k****

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

CAN U GUYS MAYBW SHUT THE FUCK UP

WAIT how come ushi kita and kenji never talk here wtf

**futacoochie:**

because some of us have lives

unlike you lot

WTF WHO SET THIS AS MY USER BITCH I'LL KILL YOU

**area 51 raid:**

that would be yours truly

shut it kenji that name is a god damn MASTERPIECE

**stan** **mamamoo**:

I have been preparing for university entrance exams.

I prefer to observe these group chats rather than participate in them.

Who is mamamoo and why are they in my username?

**hewwo kitty:**

i LIVED bitches

oh hey ushi kenji

yall alive huh

WTF USHI STAN TALENT STAN MAMAMOO THEYRE MY QUEENS

**snake in mah boot:**

damn it hes alive after all

**hewwo kitty:**

man fuck u man .

**hello my baby hello my honey: **

kids be nice

**snake in mah boot:**

im literally older than u

**helo my baby hello my honey:**

KIDS BE NICE

**area 51 raid:**

where's teru 

i misshim

**futacoochie**:

gay

**area 51 raid:**

can a guy not miss his guy friend in perfectly platonic PEACE

**futacoochie:**

not while i'm on this hellish earth 

**hewwo kitty:**

A+ alliteration tooru

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

fucking nerd

BRO HOWD THE EXAM GO

**hewwo kitty:**

FIRST of all fuck u

SECOND i was fine wtf teru scared me for a hot sec there

**kaminari but metal:**

he cried twice during the test

and then again afterward

**hewwo** **kitty**:

I AM BULLIED RELENTLESSLY IN THIS HOUSEHOLD

**snake in mah boot:**

deserve

**hewwo kitty:**

did i ever tell u how much i fucking hate u

bc i really fucking hate u

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

i understand now why daichi hates us

**thunder thighs 2000:**

Oh Bokuto, don't say it like that. I don't hate you guys.

I just yearn for a day of peace when I'm around you all.

Just one (1) day.

**area 51 raid:**

not happening bubdy

buddy

i meant

**hello my baby hello my honey:**

bubdy

**area 51 raid:**

BUDDY

**futacoochie**:

ok anyways it's naptime bye bitches

**snake in mah boot:**

it's noon

don't u have class in like 6 minutes

**futacoochie:**

it's math

who gives a fuck abt math

**area** **51** **raid**:

pretty sure u need to pass math to graduate

**futacoochie:**

shit's overrated

math can eat my ass

**snake in mah boot:**

was gonna make a pun involving pi and ur ass

but everyone in this gc would simultaneously run me over with a semi truck

twice

**futacoochie**:

let's hear it snake fucker

**snake in mah boot:**

now u see i dont want to

**hewwo kitty:**

GOD u are truly Insufferable

**snake in mah boot:**

that's the nicest thing u ever said to me

**hewwo kitty:**

bitcj FUCK u

**thunder thighs 2000:**

Kids, be nice.

Go to class, all of you.

**area 51 raid:**

ok dad

**thunder thighs 2000:**

No.

**Author's Note:**

> let me know how u liked it and if i should continue :>
> 
> and feel free to suggest new usernames bc they will probably change :>
> 
> i promise ill get kita, ushi, daichi, and futa more active I LOVE ALL THE CAPTAINS :( however i HATE formatting smh


End file.
